Wednesday, August 31, 2011

probly better left unsaid

I haven't been here in a while
I'm the worst
It's not like I don't have things to say
I need to be better at speaking my mind and not holding feelings in
I need to be better at a lot of things
I need help to be better
I get down on myself too easy too often and see no light at the end of the tunnel
Sometimes I tell myself I need to harden the fuck up and push through and do what's best for me
It's been hard for me to follow through on that
I need to be better at being selfish

         For example... a small, harmless example.... it's the playoffs in my fantasy baseball league and my team is one of 6 teams that made the playoffs after 21 weeks. At one point I was in dead last (out of 14 teams) and ready to give up, but the competitive side couldn't let that happen. So I fought and clawed and researched players and numbers, took chances and made my way back into the top of the league. I payed $30 to play. So this week I find myself destroying the team I'm playing in the 1st round and while this is exactly what everyone else is playing for, I feel bad. I feel bad because I know what it's like to be on the losing end. I suddenly feel guilty for winning. I've never won a fantasy season, but if I win this year, I will feel guilty looking back at all the other guys that could've won. This kind of feeling isn't natural I don't think. I'm a competitive guy, I like to win, I hate to lose. This is an area I need to quit being a biatch and just let myself be happy for myself; to give myself a pat on the back and relish coming out on top.

I need to apply that feeling to every aspect of my life. I think I'd be more satisfied all around in my life if I did more things that are just for me. I'm generally a happy person even without doing anything that's just for me.

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