bleh

Ok, after some 140 character or less banter via Twitter the other day, I felt I had a lot to say and wish I could have spoken my mind immediately and more off the cuff than I am now, a few days later, after I've had plenty of time to think and forget all the shit I wanted to say originally.

We'll start with this; I believe in the idea of marriage. I believe in what it stands for. I like the idea of being in love, and having someone love you in return just as much. I like the idea of having someone by your side whom respects you and would do anything for you... to inherit another family as your own and someone to share all your dreams, successes, failures and accomplishments with. I envy those old couples you see that have been together after -X- number of years and they still seem to be as in love as the day they met. 

As ideal as that scenario sounds, I also believe those types of marriages are based on the type of living that was promoted in that time. Times have changed and so has marriage. The divorce rate has quadrupled from 5% in the 50's to the 20% currently reported in the U.S. And that's not even counting the unions where both people involved are so completely unhappy and so miserable that they would turn and run if not for circumstances within the marriage such as the kids (which is not a justified reason to stay married). In the 50's it was frowned upon to divorce or to give up or to not see your marriage through. Today, with it being more commonplace, you have to be more careful who you marry, not marry at all, or make your own rules (such as open marriages or polygamy). 

In the few long term relationships I've had plus my marriage, I've been compiling a mental list of things that prospective consumers buying in to the marriage game should consider:

• Evaluate Yourself - Can you survive the rigors, trials and tribulations of giving half of your life over to someone? Can you roll with the punches and keep your cool, be faithful, giving, trusting, and an all around selfless person for your spouse? Have you done everything you want to do that marriage may prohibit or make difficult? Most important here, is to not bullshit yourself. Don't talk yourself into believing you can be or do any of these things if you either A) never have or B) think these standards are temporary.
• Evaluate Your Significant Other - Is this someone you have proven you CAN live with? And is this someone that has proven they can live with you? Mimicking a marital situation before sealing the deal is almost mandatory. So much changes when you're suddenly living under the same roof as someone else no matter the amount of "love" there is. Have they answered all of the questions above or is there still some lingering doubt? 
• Trust - There HAS HAS HAS to be trust. Don't ever give your partner a reason to doubt you even for a second. The time for making him/her jealous and playing hard-to-get is over. Entering into marriage with trust issues already in place is like jumping in the ocean without knowing how to swim.
• Respect - I think some people think that once you're married to someone that you all of a sudden "own" them and can treat them a little worse than you did before. If you spouse is constantly bad-mouthing you to his/her family, whether in jest or not, that is a huge red flag. That shows that they don't think too highly of you  and, in their mind, are putting you in your place and want everyone else to know who's in charge. A marriage should be 100% 50/50 with each person's feelings and opinions taken into account and equal amounts of importance placed on each. Lack of respect will breed resentment and hatred and pretty soon you'll end up living with someone who is overly aggressive to compensate for the lack of respect or at best a Larry (see entry named "Larry"). Don't be with someone who will, more often than not, tell you what to do, tell you how you feel, or try and be a psychic and tell you what you will do in a given situation.
• Sex - This seems like a no-brainer, but if there's no sex, no sexual compromise, or sexual dissatisfaction, bail. This kind of falls under the two previous categories but is so important it warrants its own section. While marriage isn't all about sex, sex is the glue that will hold two people together. Sex needs to be fun and adventurous. The idea that sex gets boring after marriage is a common misconception. It’s probably more accurate to say that you get bored with your spouse; seeing the same naked person, doing the same things, in the same place. You’re not necessarily bored with sex, you’re just bored with the staleness within your sex life. If you’ve gotten to this point, you have to tap in to your, and your spouse’s, adventurous side. Sex doesn’t always have to be in the bedroom. Hell, it doesn’t always have to be in the house, or in A house. Find a secluded place to have sex outdoors; relive your glory days and jump in the back seat of your car; go to a boring movie on a weekday afternoon and see what you can get away with in the theater; jump into the bathroom for a quickie at a family get-together; never underestimate the power of a hj/bj while driving; playful, but discreet touching in public throughout the day… just enough to tease and drive your spouse crazy; introduce toys or costumes or lubes or candy or adult movies into the bedroom, whatever it takes. Sex getting boring probably has as much to do with being lazy as it does with trying the same tired routine. As much fun and exciting as sex is, it can still become work if you let it. It needs to stay fun and positive, a weapon to use against the stresses of everyday life.
• Don't Lose Your Identity - As long as you're not a serial killer or woman abuser, there shouldn't be a laundry list of things you should have to change to make yourself marriage material. If you're constantly being judged and criticized for who you are, what you do, your background, your mannerisms... it's not worth it and won't work out anyways. If you're told your hair, clothes, job, hygiene (as long as you're not disgusting), car, taste in food, music, TV, hobbies, or even the way you hold a beer, they don't have much interest in WHO you are and they won't accept you until you try to compromise who you are.
• Common Sense - Don't be love-blind. Don't make decisions with your heart. Make sure you both want the same thing out of life and that you are both able to stay committed. You don't want someone taking the time effort their supposed to be using on your relationship and applying it elsewhere. When the time comes that the relationship starts to dissolve, you will receive just as, much blame. As much as marriage is all about being in love and starting a family and all that mushy crap, it's just as much a business transaction. You're giving half of yourself away to someone else. Weigh pros and cons, ask outsiders for an objective point of view, and most of all, be honest with yourself. Make sure you aren't selling yourself short and make sure the person you wanna be with is committed to the game.

There ARE other options to marriage if you don't think it's for you. Find someone you love, have a life with them, but have a pre-existing agreement where you can each go your separate ways if the relationship goes south.
Be in an open marriage or polygamist relationship. As long as you can handle the emotional end of this, then this is probably one of the more popular options. I for one, am not a good candidate for this way of living. If i have feelings for someone, I don't want to share and it kills me to think of them with anybody else.
Or just simply stay single. Date and hook-up and if something comes along, then so-be-it. Don't force things, don't expect things, and just have fun in life. Get the most you can out of life, live for yourself, and do everything you wanna do.

I guess, in closing, I'm just suggesting that I think it's time to leave these archaic and outdated ideals behind in favor of a more modern approach.
Society should be more open to alternative types of lifestyles, relationships, and ways of living. Marriage doesn't always have to be the "way it's supposed to be"... even though I'm guilty of having that exact outlook. We should just keep an open mind and think outside the box.

this is how it feels