probly better left unsaid

I haven't been here in a while
I'm the worst
It's not like I don't have things to say
I need to be better at speaking my mind and not holding feelings in
I need to be better at a lot of things
I need help to be better
I get down on myself too easy too often and see no light at the end of the tunnel
Sometimes I tell myself I need to harden the fuck up and push through and do what's best for me
It's been hard for me to follow through on that
I need to be better at being selfish

         For example... a small, harmless example.... it's the playoffs in my fantasy baseball league and my team is one of 6 teams that made the playoffs after 21 weeks. At one point I was in dead last (out of 14 teams) and ready to give up, but the competitive side couldn't let that happen. So I fought and clawed and researched players and numbers, took chances and made my way back into the top of the league. I payed $30 to play. So this week I find myself destroying the team I'm playing in the 1st round and while this is exactly what everyone else is playing for, I feel bad. I feel bad because I know what it's like to be on the losing end. I suddenly feel guilty for winning. I've never won a fantasy season, but if I win this year, I will feel guilty looking back at all the other guys that could've won. This kind of feeling isn't natural I don't think. I'm a competitive guy, I like to win, I hate to lose. This is an area I need to quit being a biatch and just let myself be happy for myself; to give myself a pat on the back and relish coming out on top.

I need to apply that feeling to every aspect of my life. I think I'd be more satisfied all around in my life if I did more things that are just for me. I'm generally a happy person even without doing anything that's just for me.

What's wrong with me? Why is it I avoid confrontation of any kind?

Maybe I just have a hard time defining the line that propels you to defend and stick up for yourself and what you believe in. Maybe I've just lost confidence in myself and the ability to believe what I think and feel is right. So I second guess myself. I can be convinced that the point I'm arguing is invalid. Give me any subject at all, I'll come up with my own conclusion and state reasons why I feel the way I do, and I guarantee 9 times out of 10, someone can convince me to change my views and opinions even if only slightly.

Maybe it was watching my mom fight with people during my childhood and how embarrassed I was... not for myself so much, but for her. While she was verbally berating the cashier or whoever, I would look at her and how mad she would get and how people around her would see her. Like a goddamn crazy woman I tell ya. And I think you lose a certain level of respect when you fly off the handle like that. People may fear you, but who wants that? You should want to be respected.

Meek and timid is no way to live, but how does one change that when they can't believe in themselves and when the people they need to believe in them, do anything but? When you're constantly shot down, chopped down, and having to constantly find the means to build yourself back up, this seems like an unattainable goal. A good analogy is what happens to an overweight drunk lady at the beach... here lemme help you...

In case you couldn't guess... I am the overweight drunk lady.

Verizon

So when you think "Verizon", you probably think "multi-million dollar company with high prices and bad customer service". And you probably think that with these millions in revenue each year, no expense would be spared in taking care of its employees.... well.... I present to you the water filter used for the entire yard that a lot of people do drink..

This filter, when freshly installed approximately 3 months ago, was brand new, it was a bright white. The filter is located in a completely enclosed plastic container and there is solid build-up at the bottom of the container. When was it changed previously? I don't know. Sometime before I started here 5 years ago, and we used to not be able to see the filter, just the layers of green mold around the contraption housing it.

On a side-note... it is July, in Hemet, and the ice machine to supply the yard with ice, has been very temperamental;  sometimes not working for weeks at a time. Went to Indio last week... same problem. So why is it that this conglomeration of a company that's making money hand-over-fist can't supply their employees with such basics as water and ice, especially in a desert climate?

....It's Tradition

The family I come from has/had no "family traditions".  I can't say why or how that never came to be, but I can say I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything... I don't feel slighted or like my family is disconnected from one another. I realize the point of family traditions is to get everyone together and feel a closeness and a bond with one another, but what happens when a tradition is too forced and it becomes more of a burden than it does fun and games? This creates arguments and breeds resentment and animosity towards the people we love. People get their feelings hurt and take it personally when their tradition isn't priority for everyone involved.
This is why you can't just 'make up' family traditions. Something you do as a family has to become tradition and just because an activity becomes tradition, doesn't mean you have to do it every year or every month or every holiday or special occasion. Keep it simple and keep it optional or don't keep it at all. Don't take the fun out of being in a close-knit family.

Cry Songs

This is probly dumb, but through the years and through the heartbreaks, I tend to turn to music to either pick me up out of a funk, bleed off some aggression, or let me connect to someone else through their words. I take a lot of heat because I don't usually listen to music for lyrics and a lot of time don't care to know the lyrics because most of the time I can't identify with the lyrics and it's basically pointless unless I wanna scream along (which I do on occasion when I know some words). 

So I thought I would take the opportunity to show you some songs that struck a chord with me when I feel like shit and I just need someone to feel like shit with me.... or as my friend Kody calls them.. Cry Songs. 

I think there's only going to be one song that's a little screamy. But these are all good, mellow songs. I'm also going to find videos with lyrics to ease in sing-a-longs.

Eighteen Visions - Said and Done

There's something about the line "after all is said and done, you're not mine" Like, no matter what you do, what you say, in the end it won't matter... your ultimate goal is out of reach and there's nothing you can do besides grin and bear it.

Coldplay - The Scientist

It's the vocal dissonant chord in the chorus that gives this song an extra feeling of melancholy. But more of the same as in the 18 Visions song.

From Autumn to Ashes - Autumn's Monologue/The Fiction We Live

A two parter... The first song and then a response song. 

Avenged Sevenfold - You Won't See Me Tonight Pt. 1

More of a song about suicide than relationships, but people commit suicide for various reasons.. so whatever you're sad about, someone's committed suicide because of it. This is the kinda screamy song. It's a song I learned all the words to and learned how to play on guitar. The only song, off the top of my head, that I can play and sing at the same time.

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Jewel - You Were Meant for Me

yayaya... laugh it up.. This is a cry song from a looong time ago. Freshman year I think. I can't count how many times I've felt exactly like this. Trying to convince myself, more than anything. Knowing the truth but telling yourself it's ok. It might not have had the same impact if it wasn't Jewel singing either. She has a way with her voice, and especially in this live version, where you can hear the emotion and she uses her voice as an instrument... she doesn't just go through the motions and sing the words. She lives the words and makes you live through her.

Johnny Cash - Hurt (Nine Inch Nails cover)

Here's a perfect example of someone using their voice as an instrument, once again. Nine Inch Nails originally wrote and recorded this song, but it wasn't until this version by Johnny Cash came along that I could feel the song. It's how I feel about myself 90% of the time... like I do more harm than good in other people's lives. At least that's what I interpret the song to be about. The timing of this recording is a little eerie as it was recorded 7 months before an ailing Cash passed away.

If you took the time to listen, thank you... or whatever... lol. Should I be thankful? Yes!! I should... ok... Hopefully I don't seem as closed-minded anymore

The Simple Life

I heard a snippet of audio on Air1 the other day (station in question is obviously not my choice), but it hit the nail right on the head in respect to how to treat a guy and get a little glimpse into his psyche. Of course this was 3 days ago, so I'm only paraphrasing, but I do remember the general message.

1) Your Man Needs to be Your Hero - You need to show your man that he is your hero and that you look to him for protection and as a leader. If you don't ever show your significant other that he doesn't play that role for you, don't expect him to get there on his own. Guys can get there when they're single and on their own, but when he has a wife and a family, he needs to know and needs you to show him that you need him there.

2) Have a Positive Attitude - When dealing with the day-to-day stresses of work, kids, school, bills, finances, relationship, etc. etc. you have to be able to have a positive attitude and outlook on life. This is one that goes both ways. When faced with stress and adversity, you HAVE to stay positive. Things happen to people, it's life, and if you have your significant other by your side staying positive right along with you, you will get through.

3) Do Not Reluctantly Please Your Husband - This goes along with number 2, kind of. Nothing will make your husband resent you more than if you reluctantly please him whether it be emotionally, intimately, or sexually. You can't be a selfish person and this is a 2 way street (as are most things supposed to be in a marriage). Even when you really don't want to or really don't feel like it, it's necessary to make your spouse feel loved and needed.

The speaker said, and again said exactly what I was thinking by the end of hearing this, that by doing these simple things, you'll see great strides not only in your husband's happiness and willingness to please you but also in the satisfaction you should get out of making your husband happy and how good that makes you feel.... And if these needs aren't met, even the most kind-hearted, understanding husband will seek elsewhere for what is missing.

I'm sure there was a lot more than was said, but it was all in the same context and basically more of the same I've already gone over. Also, it was just a small part in a series of talks on the subject. I believe every couple should be offered, or should take a course so each person knows what they're signing up for and where their spouses shortcomings might be.

Killing Genuine Human Interaction

As the world seems to be making huge strides in technology, the human element is slowly being phased out of day-to-day life. You can now do almost anything from a cell phone and to be completely honest, the activity done the least on a cell phone is... talking on the phone. I make no bones about my feelings of talking on the phone; I hate it... with a passion. But why is that? Am I a byproduct of the environment I've been brought up in? Would I be the same person without the internet and instant messaging  and texting and Myspace and Facebook? I can't help but think the world would actually be a better place if we, as a society, didn't rely so heavily on such things as a mode of communication. But, at the same time, I can't think of a relationship I've had that wasn't spawned from the internet. I'm such an introvert, and the internet (later, texting) turned into the perfect arena to use to meet people and completely ignore my diminishing social skills.

It's been nearly 10 years since AOL kind of ran the internet, and everywhere you look, you see what instant messaging has morphed in to. People with their noses glued to their phones, unable to look away even for a minute, carrying on 4 conversations at once, while simultaneously browsing Facebook, Twitter and the internet. While I marvel at the distance mobile technology has traveled over the past 10 years, I also fear at what the future holds and what effect all of this will have on us. How many relationships have been destroyed because of how easy it is to just text someone else? Texting makes it easier than ever to stray and to feel like you're not really doing anything wrong. Or how does it feel to be in the same room with someone who IS that person I described? On the flip-side, texting can help keep a relationship fun and exciting on a whole new level. It used to be that a wife could surprise her husband at the office for a nooner, which is still a great weapon to fight staleness in a marriage, but now couples can use texting/sexting to tease each other through the day and become irresistible to one another and that could lead to a potent and volatile sex life and is something that just was not available before. That may be the healthiest thing to come out of it.

I also look back at where technology was when I was born and can't even to begin to imagine where it's gonna be when Blaiden is my age. It's actually scary to think about where we will be as a society and how we will treat each other. We now have a society that can say what it wants behind the glow of a cell phone with little to no consequences and it's now commonplace to see kids and adults alike walking, driving, working, watching TV, or spending time with friends and family while simultaneously looking at their phone. I can't imagine a world where things may be worse than they are now.

I'm not saying I'm not guilty of any or all of the above. Like I said, I'm a byproduct of the world around me. I would like to say I intend to try to do better, not only for me, but for the others around me; but when you're surrounded by it, it can get a little lonely sometimes. One of the reasons for me starting a blog in the 1st place was to recover the part of me that was good at writing and putting my thoughts on paper (virtual paper in this case)... to keep my mind working and sharp, because, in this era of texting, I kind of lost that.